Stressed, depressed and too poor to be well dressed
I’m in my car at school in the parking lot and I just started crying out of nowhere. I’m so tired and I just want to sleep and I just feel like I can’t handle anything. Like I’m so run down. There is so much that’s wrong in my life and sometimes it becomes apparent all at once. I’m so angry and frustrated and I’m tired of shoving everything under the rug
May you have enough money to pay your bills this month with a little extra left over for a bit of fun.
This is one of the nicest things to wish for someone
I don’t know how to start this, ah! Every Sunday I clean my room and promise myself that it won’t become a disaster during the week. Every week, I break that promise. But this constant “refresh” I do every Sunday is kind of funny, kind of poetic. Sundays are my treasure every week. My mom was telling me this morning that some people need structure in their life otherwise they feel lost. I realized I’m not necessarily a part of this grouping. I love free time (albeit, we all need BALANCE) but still. I told my mom that when college courses make you declare “goals,” it feels condescending and icky [and I basically hate it.] And she was like “oh honey, that’s just you. Some people benefit from setting goals and having structure….” and now we’re caught up to speed with that conversation! So the first happy thing is that it’s Sunday and I have free time and it feels nourishing.
My mom told me while we were chatting today that she wants to buy another pair of the same tennis shoes she has currently. She just loves them so much and she already has a hole in her current ones!! It’s funny because I got a pair and then she ended up getting the same pair lol. I don’t know why it makes me happy but it does. I looked up the price for her while I was on the phone and let her know how much they’re running for haha.
I have two exams this week and I feel like I’ve basically been telling everyone. Anytime anyone asked how school was going this week, I was like “Well I already have tests next week and I’m pretty nervous for them…” BUT it’s funny how undesirable events can be catalysts for good things. There’s a family out here who has basically adopted me and my friend’s brother in law is going to help me with my Finance questions later today. He’s graduated but he majored in finance so I feel really unimaginably lucky that things have a way of coming together in the way that they do. I think I am going to bake cookies or something before I go over as a sort of thank you gesture. If I have time. I say I have free time on Sundays but that’s not really true. I have so much homework and errands to run and suitcases to still unpack (I am ridiculous, I know)
I need time to myself. I need this time. I need time for tea, and journaling, and stretching. It’s very clear to me. It’s very very especially clear to me on Sundays. I’m starting to like this semester, however contradictory that statement seems. It’s pushing me but all I keep thinking of is the quote by Alan Watts: “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” Conversations with my parents lately make me realize that they’re very much so the “test the waters” type of people but I’m experimenting with being one of those “jump two feet in” kind of person. I just love growing. I love these people all around me. Sometimes life has this indescribable spark to it and it doesn’t have a word or anything that comes close to comparing but it feels nice to sense its presence more and more.